I am not misunderstood, I am lonely.
And everything you understand hereafter will help you understand not to feel sorry for me but to be open and accountable for the relationships that you are in.
I thought I was misunderstood, because how can so many people whom I deem important to me be so far from me and where I am? How can relationships I hold dearly fall away so easily? How can people I trust let me down so easily?
Then I asked myself, When was the last time I listened?
Talking is communication; listening is connection.
The Oxford dictionaries define communication as “the imparting or exchanging of information by speaking, writing, or using some other medium”.
The above definition sounds quite familiar and correct, right? We know communication to be an exchange of words or information, which from the get-go alerts us that because this is an exchange, “I have got to have something,” and that something we have all assumed to be thought, which comes out as a word.
I always have something to say or contribute in order to feel like I am contributing fairly to the communication exchange. Some of you will say no, not really, Fundi; you don’t have to say anything.
And I think most people are the opposite of me — they don’t find the need to say anything. But do they listen? I will actually be honest and say that listening is one of the characteristics I could improve on. I can listen…for about 10 minutes max, but if your story is longer and there’s no end goal or climax, then I tend to lose focus, and I usually always try to keep the interest by asking questions, which excuses my lack of listening - you are still talking but just to my mind’s interest and not really what you might have wanted to communicate.
Call it ADHD or another concentration deficiency, but being a talker, even a louder one, does not guarantee any connection. Although I can still be classified as a great communicator, I haven’t captured the essence of communication to make connections. Neither have I been in enough engagements where I am being conversed with to be heard, seen, and valued.
Connected Without Connection: Loneliness
Let’s get to listening. Another assumed action that people, including myself, rarely participate in. What is listening compared to hearing? Why do I feel so lonely yet engage in daily communication with people? Who listens to me? Who do I listen to?
It’s impossible to imagine a connection without communication, or maybe we have turned to a state of thinking that communication automatically means connections. Psych Central defines connection as “when two or more people interact with each other and each person feels valued, seen, and heard.” So when I thought I was misunderstood, I asked myself: Do the people I communicate with feel valued? Feel Seen? Feel heard? After asking those, I then rhetorically asked myself if I felt seen, heard, and/or valued.
Unfortunately, none of my answers were directly proportional, and this is where the actual misunderstanding is. It isn’t in the people; it’s in the actual concept of communication. Making people feel seen, heard, and valued does not automatically make you feel the same, or vice versa.
A lot of what I thought was me being misunderstood was me engaging in communications that offered no connection for me, even though the other party might have felt connected.
I’m lonely, but I am still a communicator…
Besides being a professional communicator by profession, my daily life requires me to communicate a lot. Whether it’s clients, schoolmates, colleagues, family, or other associates, my call log gets more exercise than I do.
And at my busiest, I felt my most lonely.
Because you can’t get connection from transactional communication — doing sales and proposals — and real connection passes you by when transactional communication is your focus and mode of survival. Too many calls to listen to what people want and require of you may distract you from knowing the importance of being listened to.
At my busiest, I faced my greatest losses.
No one knew; no one caught me. And even with the slightest idea, no one opened an ear without judgement for what was next.
I was not misunderstood; I just had not spoken to be listened to.
When you aren’t great at listening to people, they tend not to listen to you. Or rather, to be very honest, it’s not that I don’t listen or that I am a horrible communicator. Being the initiator in most communications gives me the advantage of leading the exchange, which excites me and helps me be there for the people that I love and want to connect to. However, being an initiator who does not know how to initiate emotional exchanges means 90% of my communication is never conducive to any communication where I am left feeling heard, valued, and seen.
You end up being a chronic talker with not much content to say. Connected, but disconnected. A lot was said, but not much was revealed. Lonely, but not misunderstood.
Communication is connection, not words.
If one thing, I hope to improve my listening skills so I can connect deeply instead of more with the people I engage with, and I hope that you start listening rather than talking. Pay careful attention; we are so quick to miss the fine details because the bigger picture still seems fine in our perspective.